Trouble in paradise

Posted on November 20, 2011


Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn’t marry a girl just because she’s pretty, but my goodness, doesn’t it help?

Marilyn Monroe

After years of living on the breadline and talking through gritted teeth at each other about the importance of being happy with whatever you’ve got, my girlfriend recently dropped the act and said what she’s been thinking for the past 5 years.

“I want you to work harder so we can be rich and I can stay at home.”

As ambitious as this is, I am also not an investment banker or bank robber in my spare time.  The incredible money-making scheme she was referring to was in fact this blog. She seemed so pleased with the revelation that I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the chances of my blog becoming successful are slim to none, and the chances of that successful blog making us rich are roughly equivalent to a Taliban float at gay pride.  I am only ever good at talking to women when I’ve got good news so I agreed wholeheartedly and as I recall made a solemn promise to have her eating nothing but fillet steak and chocolate by the time we’re 30.

But I couldn’t leave it at that.  So, I took the coward’s way out.  On the off chance that she reads what I post, and after conducting a survey of my many subscribers, I was able to produce the following chart:

Please see Fig. 1 below


It’s also a little vague.  I am not sure how much money is needed to make us ‘rich’ or how leaving my opinions scattered around the internet like beautifully-sculpted turds is going to achieve it but assuming everyone who reads my blog donates £1 each, and my readership grows by 100% every year, I estimate it will be 2030 before I will be able to include steak on the ASDA shop.

I hope that this is the last time I hear about this but then women are like elephants; you can shoot them but unless you have good access to the Chinese market, you’ll end up with a shed load of tusks.

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