The Red Light Indicates that This is the End

Posted on November 29, 2011

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This week, I have been feeling thoroughly optimistic and up-beat about everything. I have irritated call centre staff by wishing them a good day and worried passers-by by smiling at them. Once I waved at an old lady walking her dog who almost set the bloody thing on me. Yes, I have been loving life.

Then yesterday, I took a ride in a taxi and realised how wrong I was.

Did you know that in the current economic climate, if a taxi driver tops up his car he’s got to save money by not feeding his baby and cutting back his deodorant budget so much that his car smells like it’s pissed itself? Chances are, he won’t even have a job next week what with people opting to use their legs occasionally.

The country is so hopelessly swollen with illegal immigrants that if we don’t start redistributing their weight immediately, there is a good chance that the entire island might up-end itself and toss the entire population on to the continent.

So hopelessly devoid of technological finesse is our once-great nation that soon we will be reduced to shining the shoes of Asian business men as they pay big bucks to shoot us from their hover-cars.

And that, it transpires, is only if we are not dead by then.

These nuggets of wisdom cost me £8.20. I give it you in the hope that you don’t make the same mistake I did and smile as you enter a cab.

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